Random Oneshots
by Paynis
Summary: This is a series of random oneshots I thought of that just wouldn't leave me alone.
1. The Emperor and the Dragon

Disclaimer: I do not own Highschool DxD or its characters. It belongs to Ichiei Ishibumi.

**Babes and Babies.**

Issei sighed as he walked home, passing by the overpass over the streets below. Today just wasn't his day. He and his buddies had went and (tried) peeped on the Kendo Club just as they were changing. Issei, in his selfishness, decided to hog the scene all to himself. His friends reacted the only way perverts do when they were excluded from getting their daily dose. Violence.

They had tricked Issei into looking away and shoved their fingers into his eyes. Issei's screams of pain, along wit the two's banging on the walls, quickly alerted the girls and rushed out to catch Issei clutching his eyes in pain, rolling on the ground. Suffice to say, they didn't take kindly to his peeking.

He stopped to lean on the railing, looking out into the horizon, watching the sun slowly descend in a beautiful, picturesque painting. He felt himself smile in spite of himself. It was sights like these that calmed him. He didn't know why, but there was something about sunsets that always calmed him down.

_Cawwwwwwwww!_

Issei snapped out of his daze and looked up to find the biggest-ass bird he had ever seen in his life. It's wingspan was twenty feet long from tip to tip. It had a huge beak, much like a stork. There was something white tied in it, and quite heavy too, if the lump was any indication. Strangest of all, it decided to dive bomb him, heading straight in his direction.

"SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?" Issei quickly let go of the railing and quickly backpedaled to the other side. He watched the stork-thing approach and held up his hands defensively. When there was no sudden flash of pain, he hesitantly opened one eye to see the bird standing in front of him, laying down it's load and then tilting his head curiously.

"Um..." Issei really didn't know how to react.

The bird nudged the package closer to him.

"I-is this for me?" He asked slowly. The bird nodded, pushing it till the package touched his shoes. "O-okay?" He leaned down and moved to untie the package. When he finally finished, he unfurled it and revealed... a baby.

"Da."

Issei stared at it. Yep, it was a baby. It was naked, tiny, honest-to-gods baby, with green hair, green eyes and a golden pacifier in it's mouth.

"Da."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Issei roared. He turned and pointed at the bird, who simply began to clean it's own feathers. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME A BABY!?"

It simply blinked at him before flying away. "Oi! What the hell am I supposed to do with this!" He glanced down and saw that the baby had crawled out from the piece of cloth and was tugging at the hem of his jeans. It was naked, Issei noted. Well fuck.

"Yep, it's a boy alright." Issei sighed and picked up the baby. It stared at him, wide-eyed and innocent. "Well, I have two choices. One, I could leave him here and wait until his family comes to find him, and two, I could bring him with me and take care of him until his family comes to take him away." He paused for a moment and let his thoughts run around.

"That should be obvious." He leaned down and put the kid on the road. "I don't have anything to do with this shit. I've seen enough horror movies to know that a baby appearing in the middle of nowhere is bad news."

Issei turned around, putting his back to the baby.

"WAH!" The kid began to cry, tears and snot running down his face, waving his tiny little limbs in the air.

Issei took a step forward. The boy stopped crying.

Satisfied, Issei began to walk away, not noticing that the boy's arms began to clench.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

A motherfucking lightning bolt appeared in the clear-ass sky and hit Issei exactly where he stood.

"You know, I think I'll take the kid with me." He coughed.

()()()()()()()()()

"Hyoudou, what's with that kid?"

"Did Hyoudou finally get someone pregnant?"

"Oi, I know you're perverted, but this is just going too far."

Issei twitched at the last one. At his shoulders, the naked baby began to stare delightedly at everyone and everything. "Da..." He cooed and the girls went 'aww' at the sight.

"Oi Issei, what's up with that?"

"Yeah, where'd he come from?"

Matsuda and Motohama, two of Issei's (only) friends came up to him, asking the question that was on everyone's minds. Matsuda was a bald former jock in middle school but joined the Photography Club in High School and was also a self-proclaimed lolicon. Motohama, a short guy with glasses that had the unique ability to be able to see the measurements of any women just by looking at them.

"Ha." Issei sighed. "I found him at the overpass yesterday. I didn't see anyone else walking around, so I picked him up and went to the police station. They said that no one was missing a baby, and this guy had no birth certificate records or something, and I had to bring him home. My mom's actually planning on adopting it. Says that it's a good influence on me."

Matsuda blinked. "Then why'd you bring him here? Couldn't you leave him at your parent's house?"

"I did." Issei informed them. "But he doesn't want to stay away from me. Everytime I try he just follows me around."

"Okay."

Suddenly the baby perked up and crawled from Issei's shoulders and into his head. He struck a pose, one hand on his hip, the other pointed at the sun. "Da!" He peed on Issei.

"What the hell!"

()()()()()()()()()

Issei was lucky that he brought some spare clothes. He had to put his urine-stained jacket inside his school bag. Yep, he had to wash those the moment he came back home.

He sighed and opened his lunch his mother made for him. He, along with Matsuda and Motohama, was sitting down underneath the shade of a tree.

"Da."

Issei shot an annoyed look at the little kid eagerly eyeing his lunch. This little brat had already caused trouble for him.

"Da." Issei twitched but he relented, picking up a piece of scrambled egg and feeding it to the baby. It opened it's mouth which was, oddly enough, filled with razor sharp teeth. He chewed it blissfully, putting his hands on his cheeks as he danced around in place. The girls in the courtyard 'aww'd' and pointed at him.

Issei sighed. How the hell was he supposed to take care of this kid?

"Da!" The baby exclaimed, and pointed at somewhere in the middle of the school grounds. He turned in the direction and saw a beautiful figure. Crimson-red hair flowing down like a river, a voluptuous, seductive body that most men would kill to have for a night and high, aristocratic features that was breathtaking to behold. Blue eyes shined with curiosity as she tilted her head at his direction.

Beside her stood another female, just as beautiful as her. She had long black hair tied up into a ponytail by an orange ribbon. Her body was curved and buxom like the incarnation of female sexuality. Her violet eyes were trained on the little kid sitting on Issei's lap, staring back at the two of them.

They were Rias Gremory and Akeno Himejima, the Two Great Onee-samas of Kuoh High.

"Da, da!" The baby bounced eagerly, looking back and forth between him and the two beauties.

"What are you talking about? Do you know them?"

The baby shook his head, pointing harder at their direction. "Da!"

"What?" He looked up and found that the two where gone with barely a whisper. "Huh?"

()()()()()()()()()

The bell rang, signifying the end of classes for the day. The room was full of noises as chairs scraped the floor, student's discussed plans, and the green-haired baby singing what sounded suspiciously like a heavy metal song.

Issei sighed, packing up his things in his bag, swinging it on his bag.

"Hey Issei!" he turned around and saw Matsuda and Motohama approach him. "Would you like to join us? We managed to find a 'special place' that's just perfect for us!"

"Yeah, Motohama found it just now! What say you?"

On any other day, Issei would have leapt at the opportunity faster than you could say 'Boobs.' Unfortunately, this wasn't actually an ordinary day. This day, he had a freakin' infant to bring back to his family. Damn his morals. "Sorry guys, but I have to take care of this guy. My parents asked me to buy some milk and diapers. Good luck not getting caught though." He waved at them goodbye.

He passed through the main doors, maneuvering through all the people rushing past him, mindful of the baby on his shoulder. He was just near the gate when the baby began to cry out. "Da! Da!"

Issei sighed. "What is it this time?"

The baby clamped on Issei's head and forcibly turned it to the right with surprising strength for an infant. He looked and saw Rias Gremory walking along with Akeno Himejima, no doubt to their clubroom.

"Da, DA!" The baby said insistently, tugging on his hair and pointing at the two.

"You want me to go to them?" He asked.

"Da!" He confirmed. He had a surprising grasp on the language, considering that he looked no older than a year old.

"Why? They're the two onee-samas. One doesn't just walk up to them and tal-!" The baby, tired of Issei's reluctance, jumped off and landed to the ground on unsteady legs. He stood up, displaying his naked baby form to the world and ran up to them himself.

"Oi, what are you doing!" Issei stammered, losing a second or two from the absurdity of the situation. He ran fast, but the baby was faster(Seriously, a frickin' infant ran faster than him).

"Da!" With a cry, he threw himself upward just in time for a startled Rias to catch him in her arms.

"Ara?" Akeno put her hands on her cheek. "Buchou, isn't that-"

"Gremory-senpai!" Issei yelled, finally catching up to him. "I'm sorry. But he just ran away and-"

"Oh I understand." She smiled at him understandingly, patting the baby's head. "He just wanted to play is all."

"Ah, yeah." Issei finished lamely. He held up his hand to the baby. "C'mere little guy."

The baby refused, burying further into Rias' chest. "C'mon."

Rias laughed. "Ufufufu. He seems to be attached to me." Her eyes gained a mischievous glint. "We look almost like his parents don't you think."

Something clicked in Issei's mind. Could it be? Did he manage to find a way out of this?

He stood up stiffly, back ramrod straight. Then he bowed, keeping his body parallel to the ground. "Rias Gremory-senpai! Please be this child's mother!"

Even as he said it, his brain decided just now to make an appearance. His mind caught up to his words and analyze what it just meant for him.

_'Di-did I just propose to the school's most popular girl?'_

"Hyoudou, how dare you!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!"

"I'M GONNA MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

"HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT WITH ONEE-SAMA!"

"NO! HYOUDOU-KUN IS NOW UNAVAILABLE!"

_'Yes, I just di- wait, what was the last one again?'_

Rias froze at the sheer audacity of what the boy in front of him just said. Then she laughed, high and melodious. "My, my. Hyoudou-kun, we've just met and already you're thinking so far ahead?"

Issei burned bright red, stammering. "Oh, um, ah, well-"

_'He's so cute.' _Rias thought. Still, the baby she held was obviously a devil and quite a powerful one too. He needed to contact her brother and ask him who's was this. "Hyoudou-kun, if you don't mind, may I bring this child to the clubroom? I may know someone who is related to this child."

"Really? Sure, go ahead."

Rias beamed at him. "Thank you." She turned and began to walk to the Old School Building, Akeno at her heels. She stopped a little ways away. "Aren't you coming?"

"Me?" Issei asked, pointing at his chest. "But, I'm not really concerned about the issue right?"

"Ara, but you are the one who found him yes?" Akeno asked, peering at him curiously. "It's your responsibility to see things through. It's your obligation as a man."

Issei gave up. Yeah, he was concerned with this, one way or another.

()()()()()()()()()

"Hyoudou-kun, are you sure that you want to know the truth?" Rias asked seriously, staring straight into his eyes.

Her tone, along with the general atmosphere of the room(Candlelight? Seriously? It was the 21st century) made Issei gulp in nervousness.

"Y-yes. I do." He held the baby close to him, whether to comfort or to seek comfort, he wasn't really sure.

Everyone in the clubroom, Rias, Akeno, Kiba and Koneko nodded at each other before turning their gazes on him.

"Hyoudou-kun, all of us here are devils."

They stood up and suddenly, they sprouted wings, black and bat-like. They came from their lower backs, and spread out behind them, catching the flames and flicking their shadows into the walls.

Issei's jaw dropped, pupils dilating, face paling and cold sweat pouring down his face.

This wasn't real, was it? Could the most famous students in the school really be devils?

"H-hahahaha. Yo-you're joking right? T-this is just a prank for the pervert in school? You had me. This is all so funny." Issei laughed nervously, refusing to believe what was going on in front of him.

Kiba shook his head.

"No Issei-kun. We really are devils. All of us, even that kid you hold in your hand."

"Yo-you're kidding me." Issei was close to having a panic attack, eyes wildly flicking from one corner to the next, trying to find the best way to run away.

"Hyoudou-san, we're not here to hurt you." Akeno said gently. She reached across the table and took his hand in hers. Issei felt himself relax, just a little bit. "We're all honestly worried for the little baby. We're trying to find his parents."

Issei swallowed. Hard. "Promise?"

She smiled, looking straight into his eyes. "Promise."

Issei's whole body relaxed, believing Akeno's word.

A symbol appeared in the middle of the room, red and glowing ominously. Three figures appeared, all of them hidden by the light shining behind them.

Rias stood up as well as all the people there. "Hello onii-sama."

The first figure stepped forward, smiling. "Hello Rias." He was young man, around in early 20's or so, with a handsome face and crimson-red hair just like his sister. He was quite tall and was wearing a black suit that seemed to suit him perfectly.

At his right was a beautiful woman, with long silver hair tied into two braids that fell across both her shoulders and eyes of the same color. She had a severe expression on her face as she stared around the room. She was also dressed as a maid.

The last figure was man, a couple inches taller than the first one and was a handsome young man with a mysterious aura surrounding him. He was the first to speak.

"Baby Beel!" He cried out, reaching out to Issei with two hands spread apart. Issei reacted naturally. He stood up and placed as much distance between him and this weird little freak.

"What the hell!?"

Yeah, he was staying away from this dude as much as possible.

"Beelzebub-sama, please behave as your station indicates." The maid said formally.

The man, Beelzebub, coughed awkwardly, picking himself up from the ground. "Ah, right."

The red-haired man laughed. "Forgive him Grayfia. He was just excited that he found his brother again. He's been worried sick for him you know?"

The maid, Grayfia, leveled a glare at him. "Sirzechs-sama, he, along with you, is one of the four Maous of the underworld. You two must act with proper decorum at all times."

"Fine." Sirzechs sighed. He muttered under his breath. "You act so differently when we're in bed. You're surprisingly submissive for- OW!" He clutched his head, where the slightly red-faced maid had hit him with a paper fan. (Where did it come from? Issei wondered.)

"Sirzechs!"

Issei sweatdropped at the scene. In his hands, the baby followed his example.

"Onii-sama!" Rias said, pouting.

"Oh right." Sirzechs remembered. He cleared his throat and turned to Issei. "Hello, my name is Sirzechs Lucifer, pleasure to make your acquaintance." He held his hand out for a handshake.

"Um, Issei Hyoudou. Likewise." He shook his hand with the one unoccupied by 'Baby Beel.'

"Issei-kun, may I call you Issei-kun?" At his nod, Sirzechs continued. "Issei-kun, the baby you hold is the little brother of my friend, Ajuka Beelzebub."

The man in question waved at him awkwardly.

"You have found him and we're willing to give you a reward as thanks for taking care of him."

"Really? What's the catch?" Issei asked suspiciously. He knew to never take what a devils says for granted. He was perverted, not stupid.

Sirzechs smiled and shook his head, knowing what Issei was thinking. "Nothing. We are just really thankful that someone as helpful as you were the one to find him."

"C'mere Baby Beel." Ajuka said, holding up his hands.

Baby Beel squirmed in Issei's chest, trying to get away from his older brother.

"There we go!" Ajuka cried, finally getting Baby Beel in his hands, lifting him up high. "Welcome back! How'd you manage to get away from the house huh?"

Issei blinked. Just how did a little baby get out the house and cross what he assumed was hell and into the human world?

"Uuu-"

Uuu?

"UWA!" Baby Beel wailed , struggling in Ajuka's hands, trying to go back to Issei. "UWAAAAAA!"

"Uh, that's not good." Issei said as the infant began to glow, remembering how he was struck by lightning the last time he cried. "I better go."

The baby, if it was possible, cried even louder as Issei began to get further away.

"DAA!" He abruptly stopped crying and with tears in his eyes, shouted. "DAAAAA!"

The world exploded with power, covering it with light.

Issei closed his eyes and shielded himself with his arms, as futile as it was.

A moment passed.

_'I'm still alive?' _He wondered. He glanced around and saw that the room was a mess, most of it destroyed by the blast. The occupants in the room though, were mostly unharmed except for the odd smudge here and there.

"Issei-kun, you're hand." Akeno pointed at him.

"My hand?" Issei asked, turning to look. He froze. His left arm had changed. It was covered by a red gauntlet, his fingers covered by black points and a large green gem set in the back of his wrist. It covered his hand until his elbow, two yellow spikes jutting out from his forearms. It looked almost like what he imagined a dragon's hand to look like.

"So that's what I felt in this room." Grayfia muttered, staring at his hand as was everyone else.

Sirzechs laughed. "Hahahaha! So that's what it was! Ajuka, I think I know why little Baby Beel was so attached to Issei-kun here! He's a dragon!"

Issei looked up in shock. "I'm a what?"

Ajuka tilted his head at him in contemplation. "You're a dragon and not only that, you wield one of the most powerful Sacred Gears there are."

"W-what?"

"You're the Red Dragon Emperor of this generation."

()()()()()()()()()

Sirzechs, Ajuka and Grayfia all left soon after, leaving Issei with the Occult Research Club as well as Baby Beel.

"Da." He reached up and began his herculean task of climbing up into Issei's shoulder.

"So Issei-kun, you're the Sekiryuutei huh?" Akeno began, sitting right at Issei's side.

"Uh, I guess...?" Issei was still confused. He was still reeling from the fact that the most popular students in the school were devils and a new bombshell was dropped on him. (A dragon? Seriously?)

"I'm wondering-" Kiba spoke up. "-how did Issei-kun manage to block the child's magic? Didn't he not know anything about magic before this?"

Issei shook his head. "N-no. I didn't know about anything like this before now."

"I see." Rias suddenly gained a calculating gleam in her eye. "Issei-kun, would you like to join my peerage?"

Issei noted on how she switched from 'Hyoudou-kun' to 'Issei-kun.'

"Uh, peerage?" He asked, not familiar with the term.

"This." She took out something from under the desk, and held up a single, crimson Pawn piece.

"Uh, is it chess?"

"Partly. A peerage lets us devils resurrect anyone into our servants."

"Um, I don't think I want that." Issei said, not sure if he should just run away and pretend this never happened.

"If you become a devil then you can have your own harem."

"Where do I sign up?" Issei asked, every other though going out the window.

Rias smirked. "Well-"

"Da!" Baby Beel interrupted. He glared up at Issei and slapped his cheeks.

"Ow! Baby Beel, what was that for!"

"DA!" He pointed at the Pawn piece and shook his hands.

"Y-you don't want me to be a devil, is that it?" He asked.

"Da!" The baby nodded and shook his head.

"What? You're confusing me."

"Da!" Baby Beel began to dance a series of symbols that looked like a retarded chipmunk being tasered.

"You don't want me to be a devil yet?" Issei tried. To his surprise, the baby nodded furiously and began to gesture like he was flying and fighting imaginary opponents.

"You want me to be fight?"

"DA!" He nodded again. Two for two, Issei was getting good at this.

"Ah, sorry Gremory-senpai, but maybe another time. Baby Beel has other plans I guess."

"Would you reconsider?" Rias asked hopefully.

Issei looked at Baby Beel who met his glaze, determined.

"Maybe in the future. For now, Baby Beel and I have something else to do."

"...What is it?" Koneko asked, speaking for the first time.

"Well, I don't know about you but Baby Beel wants me to fight someone, something I don't know."

"Da!"

"Hey Baby Beel, do you want to know about the wonders of the female body?" Issei suddenly asked, walking out the door with the baby around his shoulder.

Rias shook her head. "I don't believe it, the Sekiryuutei raising a Maou's brother."

Kiba smiled. "Well, at least we know that things are going to get interesting from now on."

* * *

()()()()(Ten Years Later.)()()()()

"AHAHAHAHAHAH! SHOW ME MY NEXT PREY!" Kaiser de Emperana Beelzebub IV laughed maniacally as he began to hit the buttons on the controller furiously.

"Beel, what the hell are you doing!?" Issei roared, coming down from his room blearily. "Shut that thing up!"

"But, but I'm nearly finished!" Beel cried as he paused the game. It was just getting good! He wanted to know what was going to happen to Aerith dammit!

"I don't care! Rias and the others are all coming by tomorrow and I want to get some sleep!"

"Bleh!" Beel stuck his tongue out at him. "You just want to get laid tomorrow!"

"Exactly!" Issei yelled, absolutely no shame coming from him at all. "And I'm going to be too tired to do that if you DON'T QUIT THAT STUPID VIDEO GAME!"

"WHY SHOULD I CARE WHETHER OR NOT YOU GET LAID!?"

"WHY YOU-" Issei glanced at what he was playing. "AERITH DIES IN THE NEXT SCENE YOU TWAT!"

"WHAT!?" Beel cried, jumping to his feet. "You're kidding me! You lie!"

"Sephiroth jumps down and stabs Aerith right in her and your chest!"

Beel glared. "I have some Phoenix dow-"

"It's a cutscene death." Issei folded his arms across his chest smugly. "You can't do anything about it."

"No." Beel whispered. Tears began to form in the 11 year old's eye. "NO! WHY AERITH WHY!?" He turned around and ran up the stairs, wailing and crying out.

"Oi, shut off your game system you twit!" Issei roared, coming up to chase him.

"Um, I think he didn't get the message." Akeno said, speaking up from the open door of Issei's house.

"You think?" Rias asked, quirking an eyebrow at her queen.

"Still, to think that Issei-kun's resting up for our visit. It makes me want to give him some... 'special services' for his thoughtfulness." Akeno said suggestively.

"Akeno!" Rias snapped. "Issei's mine for tomorrow! You can have him the day after."

"EH! But I was supposed to be with Issei-sama that day!" Ravel cried out in dismay.

"Don't worry Ravel. We can share him." Koneko patted her friend on the shoulder.

"Eh? When do I spend time with him?" Gasper asked, looking back and forth between all of them.

Rossweisse laid a hand on his and Asia's shoulder. "Be patient. I'm sure Issei-kun would enjoy your time together."

Ophis passed by and picked up the game console, plopping down on the couch. "I, like games."

Kiba smiled awkwardly. Yeah, called it.

* * *

**A.N.**

****Okay, I admit, not my best work, but I had nothing to do. I was bored and inspiration struck, but hear me out okay?****

**This was just a random oneshot I thought of while reading the Beelzebub manga. I saw Beel's giant-ass transformation and I thought 'Holy crap that's a big baby.' Then, I remembered Issei doing the same because of Great Red. I noticed that Beelzebub and DxD both had devils, they both had Beelzbub, so I thought, 'Why not? This is Fanfiction isn't it? A place for imagination to run free.' ****And thus, The Dragon and the Emperor was born.**

**...How in God's name do I get shit done with all the shit I read? To this day, I'm still wondering how I managed to pass all my subjects.**

**P.S.**

**Does anyone know what volume it was where Cao Cao summoned the 7 balls? I'm going to read it for reference but I don't really want to reread all of it. I still have shit to do in High School. (as if that ever stopped me.)**

**P.P.S.**

**Does anyone know a good physics project?(Damn I'm clutching at straws.) Preferably the easy-to-do ones.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Highschool DxD or its characters. It belongs to Ichiei Ishibumi.

**Eating time.**

Issei was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching the latest episode of Miracle Levia-tan, one of the more popular shows in the Underworld, starring none other than Serafall Leviathan, one of the Four Maous of the Underworld.

It was actually rather interesting, in a cutesy, Mahou Shoujou type of show. Personally, Issei found Madoka Magica better, but who was he to judge others?

He was all alone in the house as Akeno had managed to convince Rias into a shopping trip, bringing with them all of the women in the house for a girl's day out. Kiba and Gasper were out doing contracts...Actually, Kiba was the only one. Gasper joined his King in their trip.

All alone...except for Koneko of course.

She was currently sitting on his lap, munching on some Oreos as the show progressed and had some kind of Aesop about magical powers being all you need to solve your problems.

Issei sighed as the credits rolled in and had a commercial about some new TV show, a documentary about the Great War, lead by none other than the last surviving Maou, Belphegor, the lord of Sloth himself.

It seemed that in the Great War, not only did Satan die, but Mammon along with him, with only Belphegor, Leviathan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub and Lucifer leaving any descendants.

After the end of the Great War, another civil war broke out, fighting over control of the Underworld. The family of Belphegor was the first to move, gathering powerful allies in order to stage a coup against the 'False Maou' with special talents such as Ajuka Astaroth and Sirzechs Gremory joining their ranks. Ajuka, who would later gain the title of Beelzebub, had created a way to resurrect other species as devils. The then current leaders of the Underworld rejected the idea, citing it as a disgrace to the pure bloods.

That was when Belphegor gathered four people. Serafall Sitri, Ajuka Astaroth, Falbium Glasya-Labolas, and Sirzechs Gremory.

They won the civil war. Belphegor was offered the position as leader but he refused, instead saying that the next generation should take care of themselves and that the elders should just watch what their progeny would do.

Anyways, back to the Hyoudou household.

Koneko was sitting on Issei's lap, interestedly watching the documentary, her cat tail swishing through the air and distracting Issei.

The dragon peeked at her face and seeing that she was absorbed in the TV show, reached around her and took one of her cookies from her.

At least, he tried to.

Koneko slapped his hand away before he could get anywhere near it.

Issei yelped. "Koneko-chan! C'mon, let me have some!"

"No." With a frank gesture, Koneko's tail began to wrap around the pack of cookies defensively. "This is mine."

"Please?" Issei begged.

"Get your own." So saying, Koneko took an Oreo and bit into it right in front of Issei's face.

"Is there any still in the pantry?" Issei asked.

"Yes." Koneko confirmed.

"Fine." Issei tried to get up but couldn't because of the catgirl in his lap. "Um...would you mind getting off me then?"

"This is my place." She said stubbornly.

"Then how am I supposed to get my own cookies!?"

"You don't."

Issei let the silence stretch for a while, and when it became obvious that she wouldn't say anything, asked. "Then would you please get me some?"

"No." Her cat tail swished through the air again, nearly hitting his face. "This is my seat."

Issei sighed and watched the TV show in silence and hunger. He peeked at Koneko's face again and slowly moved his hand toward the pack, one agonizing inch at a time.

Just when he thought that he was in the clear, she took the packet and held it away from him.

"Oh come on! Please, just one!" Issei pleaded.

"No." She smugly took another of them and ate it.

Issei was about to just take her off his lap and walking to get the damn Oreos when he had a bright idea.

He smirked and encircled his arms around Koneko's slender waist.

"Eep!" Koneko squeaked, jumping up from her seat on his lap. "S-senpai!?"

"Koneko-chan is being so mean to me." Issei sighed melodramatically. He leaned in close and began to nibble on her right ear, eliciting a moan from her lips. "She doesn't want to share with me."

"S-senpai, wh-what are you doi-Eek!" She interrupted herself with another yelp when Issei's hands reached up and began to massaged her scalp. "S-sto-" She let out another moan when Issei gently parted the hair from her nape and began to run his lips over it, all the while his arms continuing their ministrations, driving her partly-insane.

Koneko reached up to try and push him away but Issei's hands encircled her wrists, bringing them down to her sides. "And she doesn't want me to be close to her anymore. What should I do?" Issei asked, wrapping his arms, which still held her own, around her again. He asked her softly, breathing in her ear. "What should I do?"

"I, uh, you should, we, to, don't!" Koneko managed to get out.

Issei's hands began to make it's way up. His nimble fingers began to unbutton her blouse, starting from the hollow of her neck.

"Senpai!"

"Hm?" Issei hummed inquisitively.

"We shouldn't."

"Oh?" Issei rose an eyebrow.

"Someone might see us." She said in a small voice. She was leaning against his chest now, panting hard. Her eyes were firmly shut, cheeks red from embarrassment(arousal).

The perfect chance!

Issei quickly reached down and snatched an Oreo from her.

"Aha!" Issei bit down on the cookie smugly. "Someone might see us eating?"

Koneko blinked at the abrupt change in mood before looking back at Issei to see him munching on her treat. Her eyes narrowed. "You cheated."

"No I didn't." Issei smirked. "All's fair in love, war and snacktime. True Story."

Koneko looked down at the packet of cookies and held it out towards Issei. "You want some more?"

Issei blinked before smiling at her and reaching out for some more.

His smile turned into a look of confusion when Koneko pulled away. She looked at him and said. "You can't have any." Her face was set in a blank expression but her cheeks were rapidly turning crimson and her eyes were looking everywhere but his face in obvious embarrassment.

Issei look lost for a moment before it dawned on him. He smirked again and leaned in close to her, lips nearing her nape again...

()()()()()()()()()

Akeno skipped to the door of the living room happily. All of them had just gotten back from their girls day out and she wanted to try out the new outfit she had bought. She wasn't sure, but she had a hunch that Issei had a maid fetish, basing it on the one who regularly wore it as a uniform. She was going to get the tape measure she left in the coffee table when she stumbled upon an interesting sight.

Issei was sitting on the couch, hair disheveled and clothes rumpled. His breathing was hard and his eyes were shining even as his cheeks were a little red. On his lap, straddling him was Koneko.

She was panting hard, tongue licking her lips as she stared hard at Issei. Her white blouse was completely unbuttoned and was nearly falling, only barely perched upon her dainty shoulders, leaving the smooth skin bare. She was wearing pure white underwear and even that was disordered in a decidedly erotic way, bordering on the indecent. Her eyes were dark with emotion and her status as a youkai was shown to the world, cat ears and tail released, hitching up her skirt to seductive levels. On her lips was an Oreo which was nearing Issei's mouth when Akeno entered.

The two of them looked up when she entered the room, both with a look akin to a child caught with their hands in the cookie jar. The cookie in Koneko's lips dropped along with her mouth.

Akeno rose an eyebrow before a smile quirked at her mouth. She leaned against the frame of the door and murmured. "Oh my. Koneko-chan, when you told us that you didn't want to join us, I expected a lot of things but not this." She shook her head and laughed. "I guess that this was what you meant when you said that you were hungry.

Koneko's tail stood straight as she tried to explain herself. "Akeno-senpai! Um, this is, you see, well-"

Akeno chuckled. "Ufufu, I understand. Both you and Issei-kun are at that age after all." She smirked at the look of mortification the two had. She walked away but not before saying. "Have fun you two. I'll try to keep the others away again so you'll have the whole house to yourselves." She turned and smirked. "Try not to destroy too many things okay?"

She left and the two were alone again.

Koneko looked down at the Oreo sitting innocently on top of Issei's lap.

She smiled.

Time to eat again.

* * *

**A.N. **

**Yes, I'm a horrible, incorrigible Pervert with a capital P. This chapter was just an idea bouncing around my head. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get rid of this since I thought of it nearly two months ago. By the way, no, this story isn't in the timeline near Pasts Best Forgotten. This is set in the distant future, after all the arcs I guess? Actually, now that I think about it, I should probably put this in another side story chapter of my Main Story...Eh, I'll just delete this when the point that chapter is going to be written. I hope it reaches that point anyway.**

**This story, which used to be a pseudo Beelzebub-DxD crossover will now be the final resting place of the plot bunnies of DxD fics in my head. I could think of doing several such as To aru, Nasuverse, Infinite Stratos, Kore wa Zombie or even comedies such as Hataraku, Yusibu, Blood Lad, Hidan no Aria, things like that. I probably won't update this regularly, though I hope that good ideas would pop into my head. Hell, a certain blonde Gap Youkai could be responsible just as much as the Wizard Marshall for a certain guy's misfortune... **

**Ideas are welcome and if it rings a bell or sets off my brain(small as it is), I would do my best to write it down to the best of my ability. No Naruto fics though, I don't really like fanfics about that anymore.**

**P.S.**

**Does this deserve an M rating or should I change it back to T?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Introducing Ophis: Dragon God, Gelato enthusiast.**

After sitting in silence for the last 15 minutes, Rias couldn't take it anymore.

"Issei, just who is that girl next to you?"

"I thought you'd never ask Buchou!" Her pawn cried out, throwing the book he was reading over his shoulder to stand up on the couch and point a finger towards her. "She is the Ouroboros Dragon, the former leader of Khaos Brigade, one of the most powerful beings in our existence and the God with the loli body, OPHIS-CHAN!"

Issei quickly bent over and grabbed the black-clad girl with the elfin qualities by the waist and presented it to his fellow peerage members proudly as one would with a prized magazine they found on Akihabara.

"…Okay?" Kiba said, smiling politely in order to cover up his confusion.

"Ahh Kiba Yuuto-kun," Issei tsked, letting go of one arm to wag his finger in his direction, Ophis hanging over his right arm. "I can sense your disbelief, but it is unneeded, for it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!"

With passion in his voice, Issei raised his foot and laid it on the table, presenting Ophis to the sky in a scene reminiscent to the Lion King. The gothic-loli wasn't even fazed by what was happening, simply going on with her handheld console.

"Are you sure Issei-kun?" Akeno asked, leaning forward to take a better look at the supposed Dragon God. "This isn't the first time you made a mistake after all, and it would truly be embarrassing if you made a repeat performance. Ufufufu."

"That was a one-time thing!" Issei cried out, flushing. "I really did think that guy was a god!"

"Issei, he was only asking for donations for the abandoned Church and he tripped over his shoelace."

"Exactly! There are tropes for that you know? People who act dumb then become absolute badasses once the fight start."

"You grabbed Asia and ran away as fast as you could all the while spouting out stuff about war starting. We had to do several memory erasures for that." Rias said, staring at him with half-lidded eyes.

"Right." Issei coughed. "Well, rest assured. Ophis here is the real deal. She can expand infinitely or shrink down to nothingness. Can't you Ophis?"

"I, don't want to." The black haired girl said, still focused on her game. "I, am still playing."

"I didn't say you had to do it." Issei said. "I just said you could do it."

"I, am busy."

"Are you sure Issei-kun?" Kiba asked once, staring at the girl in curiosity and a small measure of doubt. "Because that goes against the Laws of Physics. That's the topic of the day." He added in embarrassment when everyone stared at him.

"Fufufu, Physics is a mortal concept, one made by mortals in order to explain things that they don't know about in order to feel better about themselves, to feel safer, content with the knowledge they find for themselves. The universe cannot be bound by petty things such as laws."

"That's kind of scary Issei-san." Asia said, a small whimper in her voice.

"Ah, sorry Asia." Issei apologized, still holding on to Ophis. "Anyways, this time, Ophis can prove who she is. Come on Ophis, make something."

"Make…something?" She looked up at him, tilting her head.

_'__S-shit. She's so moe.' _Issei thought, before shaking his head to clear it away.

"Yes. If you make something out of nothing at all, then they have no choice but to believe you."

"…Love?"

"You want to make love out of nothing at all?" Issei said. _'Who the hell had been teaching her about human culture?'_

"No, something more concrete."

"What, would I make?" Ophis questioned.

"Whatever you like." Issei shrugged.

"I, like you Ddraig." Ophis said, pointing at him. "I, do not want to make another you. You, are special to me."

_'…__..Well shit.' _Issei thought. "T-thank you." He stuttered, blushing red and finally letting her go to scratch the back of his head in embarrassment. "I-I like you too Ophis."

The Dragon God nodded in satisfaction, sitting back down on the couch, returning to her game.

_'__How do I match up to that?' _Unknowingly, every girl in the room had the same thoughts: ways on how to have catch up to that girl that was even now still being held by Issei who didn't know what to do after that impromptu confession.

"W-well…..Ophis." Issei began, cheeks still lighting up. "Show them your powers."

"What, do I do?" Ophis asked, a small, barely discernable pout in her voice as she was interrupted in her game again.

"Whatever you want. You're a god after all."

The Ouroboros dragon thought for a moment. "I, am hungry."

"There. You can make some food." Issei gestured.

"What, do I make?" Ophis tilted her head.

"What do you want to eat?" Issei asked.

"I, like ice cream."

"You just had ice cream before we came here." Issei accused.

"I, do not understand."

"Eating too much ice cream is bad for you." He scolded her.

"I, am a god."

"I don't care." Issei said, unimpressed. "Choose something else."

"Then…gelato."

"How is that any different from ice cream!?" He shouted out.

"Gelato, is healthier."

"No it isn't…..Is it?" Issei asked the others, not sure about the nutritional content of the Italian dessert.

"It actually is, but not by much." Xenovia confirmed, watching the two interact with fascination.

"Oh…." Issei nodded in understanding. "Then you can go on Ophis."

"What, flavor do I make?" Ophis asked, scrunching up her eyebrows.

"What do you like?"

"I, like strawberry."

"Then make strawberry gelato."

"But I, like chocolate too."

"Then mix the two." Issei spread his arm as he offered a compromise.

"I, do not like mixing flavors." Ophis refused, giving him a thumbs down.

"Ophis, please just do something god-like. You're proving your divinity to them, not having an after-lunch snack."

"I, do not have anything to prove to them." She pointed towards the increasingly-amused Gremory Peerage(plus Irina).

"Just…do it for me okay?" Issei sighed.

"Okay." Ophis agreed without a second thought.

"Ah…..Thank you." Issei grinned at her. The smile vanished the next second. "Ophis…what is that?"

"Gelato." She answered.

"GELATO IS NOT THAT BIG!" Issei yelled.

"It is." Ophis insisted, climbing up the huge bucket of gelato that was barely scraping the ceiling of the room.

"Well I'll be." Kiba said. "She made something out of nothing at all."

"She really is a god huh?" Rias asked. "Well, I shouldn't be surprised. Her aura of power really is on another level after all."

"Ara ara. Has a powerful rival appeared?" Akeno asked, staring at Issei with fondness in her eye.

"I would like to get to know her better." Asia admitted, twiddling her thumbs.

"I'm sure she'd like you Asia." Xenovia gave her the thumbs up.

"Really?" The nun asked eagerly.

"Yep!" Irina seconded.

"OPHIS, GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Issei cried out as Ophis suddenly went headfirst into the huge bucket.

"No. I, like this. This is now my place." She said, looking down at him over the rim. "Please get rid of Great Red and then, come get me here."

"OPHIS!" Issei yelled out, taking out his shoes and beginning to climb up the bucket.

"Do you, want to come inside too Ddraig? You, are welcome here. But, no one else is allowed."

"Do you want to drown in Gelato!?"

"I, cannot drown."

"That isn't the point!"

* * *

**A.N. **

**Ophis is finally back in DxD Born and so, I decided to write a oneshot to praise the Loli Dragon Goddess and celebrate her for all her animated glory. Juggernaut Drive's different than what I had expected. I thought that Issei would become full dragon and eat the shit out of Shalba. Well, it did happen, the eating I mean, but Scale Male just became more badass than usual. Not really bad, just different.**

**The chant was just as epic as I expected though, and I had a shit-eating grin on the whole time Issei was chanting it. The Chichigami didn't come though, but I think that it's just going to the end of the season battles, which, I still don't know what will happen. Sairaorg Rating Game? or Anime Original? Eh, just hope that it'll sell well so a Season 4 will be greenlit. The Kyoto arc, Middle-Class promotion, Issei dying, his Resurrection and True Longinus blowing up on Cao Cao's face.**


End file.
